The day was off to a promising start. It was Saturday and I was spending a lazy hour or two reading and meditating on Scripture. That is until I came to an unexpected section of verses that hit on one of the deepest pain points I carry right now.
As if a light switch had been flipped, my smile turned to tears and I stopped reading. Looking into the heavens from my bedroom window, I exclaimed rather defiantly, “Stop! Stop! STOP! I don’t want to hear it! It only reminds me of what You won’t do!”
Ever since my last blog post, I’ve been thinking about the “fullness of God” and “abundance.” So many good verses and promises to claim.
Until now.
I turned my gaze back to the painful set of verses again and this time I read all of them.
More tears.
Angrily, I asked God, “Where is the abundance in that?!”
I really want to know.
Where is the abundance in God’s withholding of good things?
The verses I’ve been studying speak of God’s provisions: houses of plenty and desires fulfilled.
So, again, where is the abundance in my particular pain?
A small voice whispered, “Do you trust Me?”
I didn’t want to hear that. I wanted an answer I liked.
But it was the only answer I got.
I waited.
Nothing but silence, and the heavy weight of His question to me.
“Yes,” I finally whispered back, with a very deep, reluctant sigh.
I brought up my question again, my tone more submissive this time.
“But where is the abundance in this situation?”
Is there any abundance in unanswered prayers and unfulfilled dreams?
Other than an abundance of struggle, I mean. And questions. And feelings of abandonment?
There are many pat answers and empty-sounding platitudes spoken to try to assuage the emotions of one in pain, but I am not interested in those.
I want the hard, gritty truth.
If there is any abundance in my lack of unanswered prayers or unfulfilled longings, he didn’t show it to me.
However, He did answer me, and this is what I heard.
“You may have a lack of physical abundance in the area you seek, but right now I’m providing for you a different kind of abundance.
One you need ever so much more.
I’m providing mercy– for your bad attitude. I provide grace to cover your impertinent tongue. I’ll give you peace once you decide to rest in my decision-making ability.
And love… oh my child, so much love of the most perfect kind! More than you even realize. Just because I’ve chosen not to answer your prayer yet it doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
I may not have given you the abundance you want but I have given you the abundance you need.”
What about you, my friend? Are you at all like me? Do you have any places in your life where you feel more of a lack than an abundance? Do you struggle to accept Heaven’s silence, or maybe a flat-out “No?”
If so, visit that place with Him today. Your point of pain may be in your life to lead you into a different kind of abundance than you presently seek.
Because as it turns out, God was right. In the abundance of mercy, grace, peace, and love, I found what I needed most.
The ability to trust Him for another day.
“Mercy, peace, and love be yours in abundance.” Jude 1:2