I’m not sure what it is about God and his sense of humor these days. I don’t think I have ever had a week in my life like this one, where every time I turn around, he very pointedly confronts me with the same issue.
On the second Wednesday of every month, I make the ninety-minute trek to Augusta, joining a group of women in a pleasant room that overlooks a small lake. We discuss issues of life as we dig into Scripture led by Kim Crabill, a kind-hearted woman with a passion for Jesus and for women, reminding them that they are of great value.
She wrote a book about her life, called Burdens to Blessings, and several different women raved about how good it was, so last week I bought a copy.
As a writer, I am fascinated with stories: big ones, little ones, funny tales, and especially hard stories. There is so much to be learned about a person by listening to the stories they tell. I wanted to gain a greater understanding of my new friend and what better way than to read her story? Besides, I am always looking at layouts and structure, hoping to find tips for my own writing journey.
I open the book and begin to read. Within minutes I realize that this is not just a story. It is a knife cutting into the deep, innermost part of my heart, asking me to consider my own story. After reading the first chapter, I lay the book down and go about my day. But I keep thinking about those pages I read.
Later in the morning, I listen to a writing podcast and the host challenges me to find the story from my childhood that has affected the rest of my life.
What is with this “going back to your childhood” thing? First Kim’s book and now a writing podcast wanting me to do the same thing? However, Identifying which story to focus on for the writing exercise is a no-brainer. I had just been through this earlier while Kim was digging around in my heart. I humor the podcast woman, follow her instructions, and am amazed at the many ways my life has been affected by that one childhood incident. This is starting to feel like some kind of therapy!
Later I remember that I need to work on my Bible Study lesson. I sit down, open the pages, and read these words. “What you believe about God will determine what you do. When God tells you what he wants to do through you, you will face a crisis of belief. What you do next reveals what you believe.”
Is he telling me that this is part of what he wants to do through me? Writing the story of loss and adoption already feels bigger than me, like I am entering a crisis of belief. Now he wants me to dig deeper into my life story? Henry Blackaby sure knows how to drive a point home!
I am beginning to feel like some version of Job, with all the servants coming one by one and saying the same basic thing. Job’s servants handed him devasting news about financial and family losses, leaving him broken and full of questions. I am facing the challenge to take a hard look at the broken parts of my life both past and present, and how it affects my future.
All week I have been reading from that book, and thinking about what I am discovering about myself.
Today I read more of Kim’s words, and one simple sentence catches my attention.
“He had come- at the proper time- not to take away the life she had already endured, but to bring significance to it.”
Suddenly all the puzzle pieces of my life that seemed so confusing and disjointed fall into their proper place. God has allowed every single incident that I faced in life, from the first hurtful words that I can remember clear up to where I sit today because he wants to bring significance to my life. To all of it. He never intended to take away what I’ve endured. What he needs now is my willingness to let him use it all for his purpose. And in this new realization, I let out a joyful “Yes!”
And then God reminds me of a verse that he gave me one day years ago, when I sat isolated and confused in my little living room, wondering what he was doing, if anything, in my life. I felt as if he had forgotten me that day until he brought me this verse.
“I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.” Psalm 32:8
I had always clung to this verse as a promise for today, and for my future. But as I meditate on the words, my Father shows me that my pathway started the day I was born. Before I even knew I was on any particular path he was there, planning my life with intention. And just as he orchestrated all the funny, happy little incidents in my childhood, he also decided which sorrows and troubles he would allow that would form both good and negative habits.
And today he is saying he can bring significance to not only the good things of my life but maybe, more importantly, to what I have endured!
We all have things in our past that we wish would not have happened to us.
Memories we wish we could forget because they hinder our work or our friendships even today.
Temptations we gave in to because we were looking for love and acceptance and we are still living with the consequences.
Forgiveness doesn’t always erase the repercussions of bad choices.
And sometimes we suffer at the hands of others, through no fault of our own. I find these are the hardest realities to live with.
Isn’t it so incredibly amazing that God can give significance to all of the above scenarios if we allow him to heal us and then use them for his glory? The path to healing may be long but it will be oh, so worthwhile.
Your story matters to you, and it should. It is the pathway that God has chosen for your life. In that choosing is a plan that will work all of it together for good. He is watching over you. He will advise you if you let him.
And in the healing, the guiding, the watching and advising, is a beautiful story of his own creation that he wants you to tell. It will bless others and chances are it will bless you even more.
He wants to bring significance to what you and I have endured!