I just got done having a conversation with my son about the struggle of waiting on God. It is hard to trust that something better exists when he is silent, and it feels like life is full of empty promises. I understand his tension more than he can imagine.
Waiting is hard. It means you can only see half of the picture. Sometimes maybe only a tiny sliver. I told him that waiting is one of the hardest things God ever asks of me, and the struggle requires that I dig deep and hold fast to the promises of God.
With this conversation ended, and my phone still in my hand, I open Facebook and begin to mindlessly scroll. I don’t get very far when a post stops me dead in my tracks. It holds a saying from a woman I admire deeply. Her posts are always encouraging, and I often hit the little red heart button before moving on.
But this post hits me right between the eyes. I can’t hit the “love” button. I think maybe I can hit the “like” one instead.
My finger hovers over the blue thumb, then backs away.
Nope. Not sure I can do that either.
I scroll past but it bothers me, so I come back and read it again.
Once more I go through the debate of whether I can like it or not.
I scroll past it again, doing nothing. I can’t focus on anything else my eyes see either because that little saying is stuck in my head.
Then I close my phone.
But the statement nags at me. I open my phone again. The message is no longer front and center.
I find it and read it once more. Then I lay my phone down beside me.
My poor phone is starting to get dizzy. I am getting frustrated with myself.
Why can I not hit the like button? And so what if I can’t? Why is it even bothering me?
I pick up my phone and read the words again.
“Never underestimate what God can do in your life.”
The words stir up emotions that I feel in the core of my being, and they are all negative. Sadness. Frustration. Rejection. Unbelief.
Why am I reacting so strongly to this statement? Why do I struggle so, with believing that God can do good or great things in my life?
A few months ago, I grappled with the possibilities of what he may eventually call me to do and I was excited. I felt close to him. Anxious to grow and learn and be used by him to bless others. It was a lovely, cozy feeling.
But the past few weeks I have struggled. A lot. The excitement has faded and so has the feeling of closeness, of intimate fellowship with his heart. I miss it.
I don’t like the feeling that he has removed himself from me right when I was enjoying his presence the most.
And now today, this statement pokes at me.
I know its sentiments are based on the truth of the Word so why am I reacting to it like this?
Is it because I can’t see that he is doing anything worthwhile in my life right now?
Is it because I don’t like to have to wait so long to see what he might be doing?
This question reminds me of the conversation I’ve just had with my son. Why do I even give him advice? It always comes back to bite me.
Waiting is hard for me.
Waiting in the silence of God is even harder. It is hard for all of us.
I’m sure it was hard for Moses. He had to wait a very long time to see what God was doing in his life.
Did he ever wonder why he was sitting in the desert tending sheep day after day, with the dust and grime and sheep fuzz sticking to his sweaty skin?
Did he remember his youthful days of learning to be a royal in the palace of Egypt and wonder what was the point of it all? What good was all that training to him here?
Did he often think of the people who were his nationality by birth? Did he ever long to help them? Did his blood still boil when he thought of the Egyptian he had murdered?
Forty years is a long time to sit and watch sheep and wonder what God was up to. To think maybe he was done with him after all.
But God was preparing him for something. Like he is preparing my son. And me. And you too.
He just hasn’t told us what he is preparing us for.
Yet.
I don’t know if Moses ever underestimated what God could do with his life while he was sitting in the desert tending sheep.
I do know that he underestimated him when God finally told him what he had spent all that time preparing him for.
But that is a topic for another day, one I am still mulling over.
For now, I choose to do what I advised my son to do. Dig deep into the truth of what I know about God and hang on to his promises for dear life!
I choose to trust while I wait. Trust him when I don’t feel him. Trust him when he says that I should not underestimate his work in my life. He is able to do far more abundantly than I could ever ask or think… according to his power that is at work!
He is working even as I sit here wondering what he is up to. While he is preparing me for something I don’t yet see.
I think I will go hit the little red heart and “love” that statement after all.
If I can find it!